There’s a reason we are called human beings and not human doings

Who Am I When I’m Not Being Useful ?

It’s 4 AM.

And I am awake.

Not because I have suddenly discovered the meaning of life.

Not because I am secretly productive at night.

And definitely not because I have chosen this beautiful, peaceful time to meditate.

I am awake because I am anxious about sleeping.

Yes. Sleeping.

Because I have an important meeting today, and my brain has apparently decided that the best way to prepare for it is to make absolutely sure I don’t sleep.

The thought process goes something like this:

If I sleep now, I’ll wake up groggy.

If I wake up groggy, I won’t perform well in the meeting.

If I don’t perform well in the meeting, people will notice.

If people notice, I’ll have to think about that.

Thinking about that will make me more anxious.

And now I’m definitely not sleeping.

And there I was, lying in bed at 4 AM, negotiating with sleep like it owed me money.

And somewhere between anxiety, overthinking and staring at the ceiling, a completely unrelated thought appeared:

Who am I when I’m not being useful?

So, naturally, instead of sleeping, I decided to write a blog.

Because apparently this is how I cope.

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Strip away your job title.

Strip away your salary.

Strip away the wealth you have accumulated.

Strip away your house.

Your car.

Your clothes (okay, maybe not your clothes 😄).

Your gadgets.

Your nice things.

The things you worked hard for and the things you’re secretly very proud of owning.

Strip away your achievements.

Strip away your ability to finish every household chore on time.

Strip away your ability to answer every message.

Strip away your ability to meet every deadline.

Strip away your ability to be the dependable person everyone calls when something needs fixing.

Strip away everything you can do.

Now look at yourself.

And ask:

Who am I?

More importantly—

Who will still love me?

Is it your parents?

Your friends?

Your spouse?

Your children?

Would they still love you if you couldn’t provide anything?

If you couldn’t solve anything?

If you couldn’t contribute?

If you couldn’t even get yourself out of bed?

Because this is one of the hardest things that can happen inside the mind of someone struggling with debilitating mental health issues.

There can come a point where getting out of bed feels impossible.

Answering a message feels exhausting.

Taking a shower feels like a major achievement.

Going to work feels like climbing Mount Everest, except nobody gives you a medal when you reach the office.

And when the things that used to be effortless suddenly require every ounce of energy you have, the mind can become incredibly cruel.

It says:

“I’m worthless.”

But perhaps the reality is something different.

Perhaps you don’t feel worthless because you have no worth.

Perhaps you feel worthless because, for the first time, you cannot be of use to anybody.

You’ve spent years building your identity around what you can do.

You work.

You provide.

You help.

You remember birthdays.

You organise things.

You solve problems.

You take care of people.

You show up.

You say, “I’ll handle it.”

And suddenly, you can’t.

So the mind creates a rather terrible equation:

I can’t contribute → I am not useful → I am worthless.

Except…

Those things are not the same.

Your ability to function is not your value as a human being.

Your salary is not your value.

Your job title is not your value.

Your house is not your value.

Your car is not your value.

Your productivity is not your value.

And your usefulness is certainly not the entrance fee you have to pay to deserve love.

A person lying in bed because they genuinely cannot make themselves move isn’t lazy.

A person who needs someone else to cook for them isn’t a burden simply because they currently need care.

A person who can’t answer every message isn’t a bad friend.

A person who can’t perform at work isn’t suddenly less deserving of love.

Sometimes you’re simply a human being who has run out of capacity.

And perhaps that’s when we need to separate two things we’ve spent our entire lives treating as the same:

What I can do.

and

Who I am.

They are not the same thing.

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There is a reason we are called human beings and not human doings.

And honestly, I think we’ve forgotten how to be.

We have become extremely good at doing.

Work.

Exercise.

Clean.

Cook.

Reply.

Pay bills.

Attend meetings.

Answer emails.

Complete deadlines.

Track steps.

Track calories.

Track sleep.

Track productivity.

Track everything except whether we’re actually enjoying being alive.

And when we finally get some free time?

We reach for our phones.

Waiting in a queue?

Phone.

Eating alone?

Phone.

Sitting in bed?

Phone.

Waiting for the kettle to boil?

Phone.

Three seconds of silence?

PHONE.

God forbid our own thoughts catch us unattended.

One of the hardest things for many of us now is simply sitting somewhere without a phone in our hand.

Doing absolutely nothing.

Not consuming anything.

Not scrolling.

Not listening to a podcast about becoming a better version of ourselves.

Not watching a video telling us how to optimise our morning routine.

Just…

being.

Maybe that’s because doing makes us feel productive.

Being makes us confront ourselves.

And perhaps we’ve become so uncomfortable with ourselves that we need constant noise to avoid meeting the person underneath all the roles.

Maybe we need to relearn how to sit.

How to breathe.

How to stare out of a window.

How to drink a cup of tea without simultaneously consuming content about why we’re drinking tea incorrectly.

How to spend an afternoon doing absolutely nothing and not call it a waste.

How to lie in bed and rest without feeling guilty for not accomplishing something.

How to exist without constantly proving that our existence has a purpose.

Because you don’t always have to do something to justify being here.

Your productivity can disappear overnight.

Your career can change.

Your wealth can disappear.

Your possessions can be lost.

Your house can become messy.

Your laundry can wait.

You can need help.

You can have absolutely nothing to offer anyone that day.

And you can still be you.

Still worthy.

Still loved.

Still deserving of care.

Perhaps the hardest lesson is learning that being cared for doesn’t make you less valuable than the person doing the caring.

Sometimes you are the person carrying everyone else.

And sometimes you’re the person who needs to be carried.

Both versions are still you.

Maybe that’s the part we forget.

We spend so much of our lives trying to become someone worth loving that we forget to ask whether we were already worthy of love before we accomplished anything at all.

Before the job title.

Before the salary.

Before the house.

Before the car.

Before the achievements.

Before the clean kitchen.

Before answering that email.

Before being everyone’s emergency contact.

Before being useful.

There was just…

you.

And maybe that’s enough.

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Now, I know it’s a little hypocritical for an insomniac to write about doing nothing when one of the best forms of doing absolutely nothing is sleeping.

Which, as you may have gathered, I could not do.

And that, ironically, is what led to this blog in the first place.

So, to all of you reading this during the daytime like normal, well-adjusted humans:

Maybe think about it.

Maybe give yourself permission to do nothing once in a while.

Put the phone down.

Sit with your thoughts.

Stare out of the window.

Take a nap.

Do absolutely nothing.

And to all my fellow insomniacs:

Cheers! 🥂

One day, we will show these early risers the true meaning of peace and quiet that late nights bring.

Honestly, it feels like such a waste to spend all that beautiful silence sleeping.

Let’s sleep in the mornings instead.

If your boss lets you.

And if they don’t…

Well, that’s what sick leaves are for. 😌

Adios, amigos!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an important meeting in a few hours and absolutely no idea how I’m going to explain the fact that my 4 AM existential crisis somehow turned into a blog post.

Wish me luck.

Or better yet—

wish me sleep.

• So I started writing things down
  So, I Started Writing Things Down. There are people who have their lives figured out. They wake up early. They drink water. They exercise. They have matching bedsheets. They probably… Read more: So I started writing things down

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